As a new mom, my day-to-day life is filled with new insecurities. Being a young woman I’m no stranger to insecurity, but this new phase has me wondering whether I’m completely overanalyzing things and being crazy or if this is just another one of those weird “normal” parts of motherhood. Please feel free to enlighten me in the comments.
Lately I find myself actually worrying that my little 8 week old child doesn’t like me. Yes. I, a full grown woman, am wondering whether my tiny infant, who regularly hits himself in the face, likes me.
I know it’s crazy. I mean… objectively. But I can’t help but feel crazy when he fusses until I lay him down in his Pack N’ Play, after which time he is calm and immediately begins cooing and aahing at his red stuffed bird toy. I know it’s nuts to be jealous of the toy, particularly because as I type this I am now once again holding him, being able as I am to provide something delicious that the bird most certainly can not (HA, suck it, bird). And yet the little niggling worry remains, because he doesn’t hold cooing conversations with me (yet) the way he does with that stupid plush cardinal.
When I admit my jealousy of a Bright Starts toy is when I get concerned for my sanity. Two months in and I’ve already lost my marbles? Is this how it happens? Will my husband come home to find me cackling and rapturously tearing the stuffing out of a baby toy that tweets sweetly when you squeeze it? …. I make no promises.
What I DO know is that this crazy hormonally-charged overpowering love I feel for my child causes me to feel some very weird emotions, unsettling in their intensity. I’m still young, but I already feel entirely justified in blaming that first gray hair, whenever it arrives, on this precious little angel who has no idea that the very fact of his perfect and wonderful existence may just drive his mother to the brink of a happy insanity.